In these 4 months since I came back from travelling, I’ve been trying to – but at the same time, trying not to – settle in.
I knew I would eventually and naturally adapt and go back to how things were used to be – which is exactly what I fear most – because it makes me feel like I’m running in a circle and no matter how far I run, I just end up running back to the starting point.
The more I settled in, the more I forget about the person I once was when I was out there away from this comfort zone. I don’t want myself to start feeling comfortable and eventually lose the appetite and desire to go away ever again.
This is horrifying, because I believe travelling, exploration and adventures are what I want for my life and what I need to keep me feel alive. Without these, I’m not living.
But after spending months trying to catch up with and rebuild everything (friends & social circles, work & network, etc), I know rebuilding and rebonding are not easy tasks – and I was only away for less than a year. I start to see the picture of what I’d have to give up and possibly not be able to catch up with or get back again anymore, if I don’t choose to stay.
Now going away sounds as horrifying as staying. But if I don’t think about travelling again (I’m not talking about short vacations here), I don’t feel like I have a purpose or motivation – something to look forward to.
But I also know it makes sense that what I SHOULD DO now, while I’m reaching 30, are to get a full time job, get married and have child(ren). My mother never stops reminding me that I’m not young anymore, like I don’t know my own age myself. The other night she asked me why I didn’t get a full time job (I didn’t tell her that I’ve turned down two), and said that talking about “dreams” all the time was meaningless if I was not even able to make a living.
Of course I’m and I’ve been making a living – talking about being financially independent since 10 years ago. The fact is, I’ve quit my full time job and started freelancing a year before I went to Australia – it was not a problem then but it becomes a problem now?
I know the real problem here is (especially after Australia), freelancing means basically I can take a flight tomorrow and just be gone, guilt-free, because I’m not committed to a long-term relationship with a full time job (how romantic). Mum is always right. She has her many ways to remind me to keep my feet on the ground – because she knows I don’t.
Do I care about what she (or anyone else) says or thinks about me? I think I don’t. But the reason why I’m still thinking about these over and over again, sadly, is that I do agree that they make sense, and I care about what my brain is telling me. Because I’m a rational person who knows what the sensible choices are.
But I’m also a spiritual and emotional being who knows what really makes me happy.
It’s strange when the perfect future (career and marriage and stability) I’ve been spending years of my adolescence and early-20s to picture, suddenly become the least things I want for now. All the right things, the right choices, the right person… suddenly seem so wrong. Maybe it’s just not the right time? At this very moment, I don’t want to settle for the rational choices.
Since the day we’re born, we do all the rational things we’re told to, and we think all the rational ways we’re imposed on. Maybe I’m an idiot to still be dreaming at the age of 30. But the fact is, I was not dreaming enough when I was younger – I was too rational. So why ask me to stop talking about “dreams” when I’ve just started to live my dreams?
I’ve just started to live my life.
But what is stopping me from dreaming? Is that actually – and only – me?
I once wrote about the aftermath of traveling and how to deal with it. It’s just like a sequela we get after travelling and I don’t know if there is a cure for it. Maybe it takes some stages to get it over. I don’t know what stage I’m in now. Maybe all these questions and struggles will one day be gone. And I will either be settling down here, or on the road again.
Keep Walking On 