Keep Walking On

Yes, maybe I’ve changed.
But the real problem is, you never change.

It’s not that I didn’t try to tell you.
And it’s not that you didn’t know.
But somehow you still decided that you never need to change.

And after so many years you still don’t understand it’s never that people hated you for one thing that you said. You wanted to make it sound like that of course – and you still do – because than that’s everybody else’s problem, not yours. Like it’s just they’re sensitive and petty, while you’ve done/said nothing wrong and you’re the innocent victim. But it’s never like that.

RED FLAG #1: GUILT-TRIPPING ME INTO NEVER LEAVING YOU

I was the one who stuck around when many people, including my other friends, didn’t really like you, and you knew that yourself. I couldn’t count how many times they asked me why I still befriended you. But I still said nice things about you and even tried to be the bridge between you and them and tried to make them accept you. I let you tag along all the time even though they didn’t like it (and I eventually lost them because of that), while all you did was to make me feel guilty for spending time with them, framed me as a lousy person who ignored/ditched you. You made it my responsibility to always put you first and never leave you, and to help you get the acceptance from other people while you yourself did nothing to change and become a better person.

I’m not saying I was like a saint. To be fair I kind of needed you too, somehow because I thought you’re “different” – you’re everything that I was not: you always said and did whatever you wanted to and you didn’t really give a shit about how others felt/thought. While some people disliked you for that, it’s something very new to me as a people-pleaser, as someone who learned from childhood that I had to do what other people wanted and expected from me in order to be liked and accepted. Unlike me, you’re someone who persisted her own way unapologetically, and I could always get some brand new perspectives from you. Not to mention we did share some fond memories together. I knew we’re both flawed and lonely, and sometimes I felt outcast and misunderstood even though I had other friends. I thought I could understand you when no one else did, and I needed someone to truly understand me when others didn’t. So I treated you the way I wanted to be treated – be seen, be heard, be valued.

But when I treated you with respect and empathy, I was hoping you would do the same too… When we’re still at school, there’re times when I tried to be distant and give up on you, and I told you not only once that we’re not compatible as friends, not only because of the peer pressure but also because I felt frustrated and exhausted to be your friend. But I couldn’t carry the guilt you imposed on me for ignoring or leaving you… and I think you knew exactly that I was too compassionate-hearted to “abandon” you, especially when you kept reminding me how “cruel” it was.

I stuck around because I didn’t want to be the bad guy, and I only realised recently that I had always been feeling like I owed you because of this sense of guilt and obligation, and I learned that we’re actually in this toxic codependent relationship all along.

Still, in any relationship, compromises need to be made, and you can’t keep taking so much more than you’re giving. Because no one in this world has the absolute responsibility to accept everything that you are, say and do, especially when it adversely affects or hurts them.

RED FLAG #2: GASLIGHTING ME INTO THINKING I WAS BAD AND UNWORTHY

You think it was easy for an introverted and timid person like me to make friends? It’s never easy. But I learned and I tried and I changed and I gave… so I started to make other friends too, while still staying friends with you even though they didn’t like you. But then you said I took you as a “lifebuoy” and discarded you after I’d made new friends… Like you thought I took advantage of you? How? Think about how rude and stuck up you were when I first spoke to you, which I forgave and still made friends with you, and then since that day I couldn’t do anything to disappoint you, like having new friends.

Not only that, every time when I had pursuers and asked you for advice, you didn’t hold back on taunting me as a girl who desperately thirsted for love as if I was only imagining things. You said it’s “so obvious” that it’s just me throwing myself at the boys rather than being pursued, even though the fact was they took the initiative to ask me out and said that they wanted to be with me… But still, you “reassured” me that I was “overthinking too much“, saying that I was delusional to think they’re attracted to me because “it’s impossible”, like I was undeserving for any affection. You “advised” me not to respond to them because they’re only fooling around. I valued your “advice” because you’re my only friend who had been dating and seemed to be an expert in romantic relationship (at least that’s how you presented yourself).

I had told you my biggest fear about dating was that the boys weren’t serious about it, while having low self-esteem also prevented me from believing someone even after they had confessed their love to me. You knew all my fears and weaknesses because I trusted and confided in you, but you used my insecurities against me. You hit me in the soft spot by asserting that all my admirers were not serious about it and they’re only playing me. You’re so sure even though you didn’t even know them personally. You made me doubt my worth and the reality, making me think that I wasn’t good enough for anyone and as a result I rejected and hurt the people who were only trying to get to know me and love me.

I don’t know if it’s out of jealousy or whatever it was… it just seemed you’re upset every time I told you I had admirers, and you went out your way to reinforce my doubts and fears to make sure the love wouldn’t blossom. I only really started to date someone after I had stopped telling you anything about my love life. And there was one time when I was pursued by Maggie’s classmate after attending their gathering, and we were only joking about it because he’s a class clown and not my cup of tea. But you got green-eyed and bitter and said, “it’s only because I wasn’t there. If I was there, someone must pursue me too.” When we’re only joking about the class clown, you’re so sensitive that you thought I was bragging about having pursuer. You found it hard to believe I had pursuer when you didn’t, and you saw it as a competition all the time.

Rereading my diaries and seeing how many times you said those things to me really broke my heart. I finally realised that for so long I had put up with your belittlement and tried so hard to pull myself together. Journaling (which I’m so glad I did because it documented everything you said/did to me) was my only way to vent my frustration and anger every time after you talked shit to me so that I wouldn’t get mad at you – because I wasn’t allowed to.

RED FLAG #3: USING YOUR FRIENDS FOR YOUR OWN GAIN

Even for the time you said you wanted to help Maggie and I “recover from heartbreak” by setting up a dinner “for us” with your “colleague” (your now husband) and his friend whom we didn’t know, you were actually using us as an excuse to ask your “colleague” out because you had a crush on him. You never really cared a bit about us being lovelorn until you wanted to make it an excuse for your own gain. Both Maggie and I found it very strange and embarrassing to attend such a “speed dating” sort of dinner and we didn’t want to go. But I knew what you’re plotting and it’s hard for me not to help you when I saw you being so desperate that you overlooked the awkwardness of pulling off such a big show with such a far-fetched excuse just to get close to your crush. And so, I convinced Maggie that we’d just attend and play along to help you (she can prove that), while letting you make it look like you’re such a good friend who helped us because we’re “so desperate to find new love” – while it was actually you who were desperate. You’re not trying to help anyone, it’s ALL ABOUT YOU.

If you think I’ve wronged you, ask yourself whom you called after the dinner, You called your crush’s friend (my now husband). Telling a guy you just met that he looked like your ex, going on and on about how much you were hurt by the breakup like you’re pity baiting for attention, and trying to ask him out… It was shocking to know because you’re originally crushing on your “colleague”, not his friend (and by the way, I never laid eyes on your crush because I assumed he’s yours). And it just proved again that it’s ALL ABOUT YOU from the beginning and you didn’t really care if Maggie and I could “find love” from the dinner like you said you intended for. There’re only two guys at the dinner and you wanted them both. They’re good friends themselves but you still did that without considering the conflicts you might stir up (luckily my husband was not even remotely attracted to you). Or maybe it’s just your usual tactic of proactively flirting with every guy you met to put them on the hook, but in fact only cushioning and breadcrumbing with them to make it look like you had many pursuers (the way you liked to emphasise and brag about having more male than female friends said it all).

I bet you didn’t know I knew about that phone call, but I knew all these time because he told me (he wasn’t on your hook because he was actually pursuing me at that time, and he found your flirting moves towards him appalling after knowing you had a crush on his friend in the first place). The fact that he could recite things about your ex, which he would know only because you told him, proved that he wasn’t lying. I was baffled and shocked by what you did, and it was actually a big red flag showing what kind of person you truly are, for what you could do behind your friends’ back… But still, I made excuses for you, convinced myself to ignore the red flag, and swept this under the rug for you for all these years… I even publicly thanked you for being my “matchmaker” at my wedding, but deep down we should both know the fact that I met my future husband on that dinner was just an “accident” that you didn’t really, truly intend for.

Your pattern of orchestrating lies while using your friends to cover for you can actually be traced back to many years ago. On our F.1 Christmas Party, for some reasons you were chosen to perform on the variety show. You said you were forced by that “mean girl” in class . And because of that, you had long decided to skip school that day to avoid the show. But you never mentioned that to Leon and me, while the three of us were responsible for making sushi for the party. You still had us go make sushi at your home the day before. But on the party day, you called us in the morning saying you’re sick. We had to leave home early to rush to yours to bring the sushi to school, which was supposed to be your responsibility. But when we got to your home, you were wide awake and didn’t really look sick at all. Somehow you didn’t even care to pretend.

We had to take the taxi to school because we’re running super late after all the hassle. And as a 12-year-old kid from a humble background, it was my first time taking a taxi and it was costly to me – which I had to pay from my lunch money. When we arrived at the school gate, the bell was already ringing – we’re almost penalised for being late. And in a rush I left my wallet in the taxi. I was so scared and worried for the whole day because I’d be in so much trouble telling my parents about losing my wallet and money and having to pay for the replacement of my ID card etc. Of course it’s a trivial matter to talk about now, but at that time it was a very big deal for the 12-year-old me. When I later told you what a predicament you had put us into, you didn’t deny that you had planned to fake sick from the very beginning. But you said that I should understand how aggrieved you were being forced to go on stage (I still don’t know how they forced you). You said that you’d rather drop out of school than going back on that day, and that you were the victim and so I shouldn’t get mad at you for what you did. I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A RED FLAG BACK THEN, BUT NOW I KNOW.

Again, it’s everybody else’s fault, and again, I had to forgive you no matter what. I was okay with you faking sick to avoid whatever you wanted to avoid, but if you had been more considerate, you should have told us that or at least suggested making sushi at Leon’s or my place to avoid the trouble you caused us. But perhaps it’s all part of your plan because you wanted to make it more believable by making us a part of your lie? Funny enough, even though you admitted that you had got Leon and me into trouble, you’re still too proud to apologise because you still thought that you “had already considered our feelings” and you “didn’t think that you’re wrong or unreasonable”. Trying to reason with you has always been like talking to a brick wall. AND YOU NEVER APOLOGISE BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU’RE ALWAYS RIGHT.

「三歲定八十」- from the Christmas Party incident to that “speed dating” dinner, the fact is you don’t care about other people at all. You only care about yourself and you’re always ready to sacrifice others, including your friends, to achieve your purpose.

RED FLAG #4: DEMAND HIGHLY OF ME TO BE LOYAL WHILE BEING LENIENT TO YOURSELF

Many things that came out of your mouth aimed to manipulate, demean, gaslight, guilt trip… whenever you felt insecure about yourself. In fact, what and how you speak tells a lot about you and your characters. At school, you always said you’re bullied and that’s why you didn’t want to be kind to people – I believed you and I excused many of your problematic behaviours because I assumed you had some sort of “childhood trauma”, but now I wonder who really was the bully all along. It’s your insensitive taunts, reckless talking, dishonesty and passive aggression that turned people off. Like every time you lashed out on me as you wanted, didn’t give a damn about my feelings, and than dismissed those humiliating remarks as jokes and demanded that I couldn’t get mad at you… That’s the tactic you always use. That way you can shake off your responsibility and the consequences of hurting or offending people (you knew it’s hurtful and offensive, otherwise you wouldn’t have demanded that I “cannot get angry”). You allow yourself to say and do whatever you want and you feel good about it because you’ve got to unleash your feelings, but then you shut people off before they can say a thing and you don’t allow them to have feelings and a voice. Can’t you see it’s not just one thing that you say or do? It’s how you treat people without basic respect and decency. It’s not always entirely everybody else’s fault.

You’ve always wanted and demanded me to be the “forever friend” – loyal, be there when you needed me, reciprocated what you did for me. I was almost not allowed to have other friends, and everybody else around me had to be less important than you. Because you had to be my number one, the most important, the BEST friend. But somehow you’re entitled to move me down your priorities as you wanted. You became completely out of reach or made me your backup when you’re dating someone. Like that time when you asked for my company to “Shaw Lane” at your university (which meant absolutely nothing to me because I didn’t study there) because your boyfriend wasn’t available for you. But I still went all the way to your university because you wanted to go so much (and somehow you had no friends at school to go with you?), only to be asked to leave and not to be the third wheel once he came to find you later that evening. Honestly I was so angry and hurt that time, but I never lashed out at you because again, I was being so understanding and didn’t want to hurt your feelings, even though you kept hurting mine… And you used to complain about being left out when I hung out with Maggie, but the fact was you weren’t available for us all the time when you’re dating someone (while Maggie and I still got time for each other even when we’re dating).

You don’t know how to be someone’s best friend nor to keep a friend. You can go on saying I heartlessly broke my promises – that I once said “our friendship will never change for a lifetime”, which I wrote in those tiny little notes I gave you, and you posted them on social media so that people would know you’re the loyal friend and I’m not?

Sadly for you, keeping those pieces of paper in your purse for 20 years doesn’t automatically and miraculously make you a good friend. Keeping (maintaining) a friendship is a little more complicated than that.

Everything needs work, compromise, and even sacrifice.

RED FLAG #5: SUBTLE INSULTS – MAKING FALSE ASSUMPTIONS BY IGNORING FACTS

For years, you taunted me for not working and making money myself, and assumed I was a freeloader working as a freelancer. You always think things just come to me with me working on it and that I’m just so lucky. And you want to get things free of hard work “like me”, because you think if life goes so easy on me than why can’t you have it too? Reality check, I’ve never heard of or seen anyone who could become, not to say succeed in being a freelancer/slasher without hard work, ability, skillset, reputation and networks that they have spent years to build on their own. And you think it’s easy.

It’s okay if you didn’t know what I was doing because you’re not obligated to understand everything that I did, but the thing is when you didn’t understand, you’re not in the position to comment or even judge. Like I knew very little about your work and so I never commented or assumed it’s easy. But somehow you just kept asking me if I actually didn’t need to work at all, which was not even really a “question” but rather your statement because you thought I was financially covered by my husband, even after I had explained to you time after time about my jobs and how freelancing worked, which by the way, I shouldn’t have to. But you still repeatedly said that you’re envious of my freedom and that I didn’t need to wake up early for work like you did, and that a “rich housewife” like me wouldn’t understand how hard it was for you to go to work, to earn money and to pay rent etc. etc…

All these subtle insults disguised as compliments. I felt misunderstood and insulted when you kept disregarding what I did for a living and the career that I’ve worked so hard to build. All your repeating passive aggression and judgemental remarks over the years eventually eroded all my confidence, and I began to doubt my worth and think that I wasn’t working hard enough, earning enough nor contributing enough. I overworked and over pushed myself to a point of burnout and finally it took a toll on my health. But proving my worth and setting the fact straight to you had become my inevitable task because I couldn’t stand your mockery and false portrayal of me as someone who fed off a man. But you’re not listening, you just chose not to believe what you didn’t want to believe and you kept forcing your viewpoints and “facts” on me. You still kept talking about the same things, asking the same “questions” for at least four years, to a point where I started to become so afraid of talking to you because I felt like shit every time. I still remember how my heart fluttered in fear when my phone rang and I saw that you’re calling… it gave me anxiety and I had to be prepared to have my confidence and self-esteem destroyed.

Not only that, when I adapted so well in Australia and I was not afraid of stepping out of the comfort zone while you thought it’s hard to live anywhere outside Hong Kong, not to mention doing it alone, you again said that I was just lucky. You said I found living elsewhere easy and happy only because I had so many relatives and friends out there to help me with everything, and so again I wouldn’t understand how hard it would be for you to do everything by yourself. Reality check. I only have one aunt in Sydney and I only met her once in my whole trip. I travelled solo across the whole continent, went to places she’s never been to. And I have friends in different countries only because I travelled alone first, that’s how I made those friends, they didn’t fall from the sky. You couldn’t believe it only because you couldn’t do it yourself.

You’re the one who’s not able to be independent, not me. And it’s you who want to be taken care of by a man so that you don’t need to work, not me. But when I could do/have something you couldn’t do/have, you wanted to make it look like I had it easy while you always had it worse, and you made sure I knew that by portraying me as a freeloader and making comparisons, saying that I wouldn’t understand as if I was way behind you, because by trivialising my hard work and achievements, you’d feel better about yourself.

But your jealousy and insecurities are not my responsibility. For the things that you wanted but didn’t have, I didn’t take them from you.

RED FLAG #6: ENDLESS COMPARISONS, PUTTING ME DOWN TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF

The fact that you always want to be better (and think that you’re better) than me, is one of the things that hurt this relationship. You know why we don’t need to be or think that we’re better than anyone else? It’s because we’re all different, in so many ways. And more simply, it’s because real friends don’t do that. But take a look at all those comparisons that you couldn’t help making and your constant need to one up me whenever you had the chance. You just seemed so obsessed with finding competitions in everything that you saw between us. And you believe you should be entitled to things that I have because you think you deserve them too, or more.

When I told you that your behaviour made me feel uncomfortable and hurt, I was just naming the most minor incidents which are only the tip of an iceberg. I cared about your feelings and didn’t want you to feel hurt or too overwhelmed and so I didn’t confront you with the more significant and irrefutable incidents (like the “speed-dating” dinner) which tell the most blatant truth about what kind of person you really are. But than you thought those things I said were too trivial for me to get mad at you, and you turned the table on me, made me look bad by saying that I was a snowflake to feel hurt by just some jokes and throwaway remarks (I seriously doubt if you wouldn’t feel offended if someone did/said the same things to you). But the fact is these things had kept happening for uncountable times over 20+ years. I gave you numerous second chances, while most people, like my friends who refused to talk to you, didn’t tolerate your disrespect after it had happened once. And you know what, after all these years, I finally understand that they’re right and they’re way smarter.

Remember the time when you asked the boys in your class which one of us they thought were more beautiful and then you came to tell me about that (actually I didn’t need to know what you did behind my back), happily told me that “they said you’re not particularly pretty.” (oh well maybe that’s why you had to tell me). I still remember this till this day because something this absurd is very hard to forget. I was like, what’s wrong with you? I mean, who would do that? Why did you feel the need to compare our appearance and asked for the boys’ comments? That’s quite a disrespectful thing to do to me. Weren’t we friends? I was baffled that you seemed so happy about it, and by the fact that you felt the need to compare our appearance to begin with. But I didn’t get mad at you because I knew and kind of accepted that you’re weird and maybe just childish…

But then all the pressures, self doubts and invalidation that have been piling up from your comparisons and comments on me over the years brought me back to this old story 20+ years ago.

And then I realised “weird and childish” was an excuse I made for you, among many others.

You never changed a bit, did you?

You will never admit it but you’re so obsessed with, and you took pleasure in, making me feel bad about myself.

The problem is, you don’t see your patterns, and you thought and said you “love” me.

No you don’t.

RED FLAG #7: BEING A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR – DENIAL IS YOUR DEFENSE MECHANISM

Honesty is a crucial driving force to push someone to change and grow for better. And that’s why you’ve changed and grown very little to none over the years. You’re so self-deceiving that whenever you’re told about your problems or being exposed of your bad behaviours, you would become so defensive and make up lies after lies to justify yourself.

For six years you’ve kept mocking me for not flying back from Australia for your wedding. It hurt me because I had allowed time for you to resent and blame me as you wished because it really was my fault, but I didn’t expect it to last that long and even turned to a comparison between Maggie and I. You kept rubbing it in and belittling me by saying I was a lousy and worse friend than Maggie, because you thought she came all the way back just for you (which was not the case), and you thought I should have done the same too, even if it would cost me a lot of money and cut my dream of a lifetime short… that’s how important you thought your wedding was. It hurt me because I thought that as a friend and a grown-up, you should have eventually chosen to respect or make peace with my reason of not coming back, no matter how hard it’s for you to fully comprehend. But your lack of respect and your need to bring this up to mock me over and over again, was the reason why it bothered me to a point that I had to ask you why. Why hadn’t you got over with it already? Why did you keep dwelling on the one thing that I didn’t do for you when I’ve been there for you for so many years? Why couldn’t you try to understand and respect my choice? But than it just led to all your defenses and lies…

You tried to deny the fact that you held grudges against me by saying you didn’t care about your wedding at all, because you didn’t want to throw the wedding nor even get married in the first place, as if you’re forced to get married against your will. You said you didn’t give a fuck about your wedding so much so you had no memory of it at all and you didn’t even remember that I didn’t come – so that it’s impossible that you’re mad at me. But every time, it was you who brought it up, and you could recite the tiniest details of your wedding, including how the venue looked different than you imagined, how you forgot to take photos holding the certificate, and that Maggie caught the bouquet (while you also said you didn’t remember she was there)… You kept reciting things you said you forgot. Actually, you remember it all, but you’re lying to defend yourself. The fact is, you cared so much about your wedding that you started to DIY your bouquet one year ahead. You also started a wedding blog to document everything. You wrote that you felt so stressed about the dress hunt, the makeup, and everything… that you started to suffer from hair loss. And you even decided to take anti-allergy pills before your wedding just so you could use the MUA who might have caused you severe allergy after the makeup trial, just because you thought she did the best makeup on you… You did know that severe allergy could be life-threatening, didn’t you? But when we tried to convince you not to take such a risk because we cared about your wellbeing, you still insisted and said that as long as the pills could get you through the two-hour ceremony and you looked perfect with the makeup, you didn’t care if you would be all swollen afterwards. That’s how crazy you’re about your wedding. But then you just ignored all these facts and kept saying you didn’t give a damn, just to “prove” that it’s crazy of me to think that you held grudges against me for missing it…

What really matters to me is not what happened six years ago nor how you kept bringing this up, but how much and how blatantly you had to lie at this point in order to deny your intention and shift all the blame to me. You’re too proud to feel sorry, and you couldn’t just simply said that you’re willing to stop mocking me again if this hurt my feelings. It shouldn’t kill you to stop saying/doing those things, if like you said you didn’t care, and if you really cherished our friendship so much like you always said. But yet, your ego was too big that you refused to do any of that but chose to lie endlessly instead.

You also said that the reason why you kept bringing this up was because you’re forgetful – you didn’t remember you had said it already and so you kept saying the same things over and over again, for years. And because you’re forgetful, you said you couldn’t guarantee that you wouldn’t say it again, even after I told you I felt hurt. And you said I could only accept it because you’re not going to do anything that made yourself unhappy in order to please me. I didn’t ask you to please me, I asked you to respect me. And in that sense you’re saying respecting me and not hurting me would make you sad – do you hear yourself?

You know what, unlike you, I remember things very well and you said the exact same thing when you were 13 after you asked me why people didn’t like you and I told you why… (by the way, I don’t know why you even bothered to ask if all you did was defending yourself and you never planned to change for better). And now you’re still using the same excuse at your 30s and you still think it’s okay to hurt people because you’re forgetful, while I should be forgiving as always. But hilariously, somehow you never think that you actually shouldn’t say anything to ridicule your friend, not even for the first time. So it’s not like, “Oh I think I never mocked her on this before, let me do it now!” is actually a right thing to do.

RED FLAG #8: PROJECTING – DENYING YOUR OWN NEGATIVE TRAITS BY ATTRIBUTING THEM ONTO ME

Being so contradictory, self-deceiving and dishonest is one of the things that have made me, perhaps Maggie too, feel so difficult to communicate and reason with you because you’re this fake image that you’re trying so hard to project, but somehow it’s so obvious that your action doesn’t keep up with your words. And while you refused to admit what you truly are, you kept projecting yourself onto me and framing me as a “bridezilla” who cared too much about her wedding, being too demanding and didn’t care about people’s safety. This is one thing I have to set the record straight: I did care about it very much but only because I wanted to give the parents, all my guests (who’re mostly seniors), and my friends the best experience, exactly because I knew it wasn’t easy for people, especially those relatives who live overseas, to attend under the social turmoil and I shouldn’t take things for granted. Everything I so meticulously planned were all to make sure everyone, including you, were happy, and safe.

Yet, you mocked me for being so “self-important”. All you saw was me being over the top and needing everyone to serve me and do exactly what I wanted. But I had made sure you guys had all the time to eat and relax and enjoy yourselves by shouldering most of the work myself. And I also paid for the expensive hotel food for the you guys and the crew members and made sure you all had enough time to eat (some people may only order McDonald for the bridal party and the crew…). Both my husband and I had been very generous and easy-going to make sure everyone had a good time. I even did all the extra work to contact and donate the extra food to charity (due to the absence of too many guests) – turning what to me was a huge disappointment to something meaningful – I didn’t really have to do this if all I cared about was myself.

When you couldn’t find your names on the seating plan, you immediately asked me, “our names are not on the seating plan, so you didn’t plan for us to sit down and eat for the night?” – that’s the first thing that came to your mind and you assumed I was going to starve you guys after “enslaving” you for the whole day – vilifying me as a bridezilla who treated her bridal party so bad… (by the way, you actually hadn’t even for one time brought food/water to me during the whole day, why didn’t you talk about that?). Your names were not written there because of all the sudden changes I had to handle at last minute… when 10+ guests stood us up only ten days before the wedding. We had one table cancelled at last and so I had to rearrange the seating plan, among many other re-arrangements that I had to handle – all of which you failed to empathise with while also never offered to help. After making sure all the relatives and senior family members would be happy with their seats, there’s only one seat left on each table and so I had to separate you and your husband and Maggie (I originally did arrange all three of you to sit together). But it’s a rather small banquet with only four tables, and so I thought there was really no need for me to assign a specific seat for the three of you. You could just pick a table you liked because I trusted that you’re all my understanding friends and grown-ass adults who wouldn’t have a problem finding a seat yourselves, and wouldn’t get mad at me for this final (but not the best) arrangement which I was forced to make.

But then, after accusing me of not assigning seats for you and not letting you guys eat for the night, you went even more aggressive after knowing you’re not going to sit with your husband, completely ignoring the reasons which I just explained. You criticised me by saying, “What?! I can’t believe you’re not putting my husband and I on the same table! How could you?!” I really didn’t see that coming… the bride being scolded by the bridesmaid just because she’s not happy with the seat… All I could do was to explain to you again why we had to end up with the second best arrangement, and that I did arranged you all to sit together before dozen of guests stood us up – separating you guys were also against my will but there’s nothing I could do about it.

I had no words… I didn’t want to start a fight, and so I swallowed all my feelings and let you vent on me – as the bride, right before my grand entrance. Yes, I’m sorry that I had to prioritise my guests’ needs over yours, and I was stupid enough to think as friends you’d understand. Maggie understood it, your husband was fine with it (I guess), because they’re fully aware of their roles as members of the bridal party and that it was my wedding, but you just seemed to forget about that and saw yourself as a VIP guest, if not making it all about you. You thought it’s unacceptable that your every need was not fulfilled, so much so that you repeated it three times that you thought it’s unbelievable that I separated you and your husband, like I did it on purpose just to fuck with you?? You basically ruined my mood and the vibes right before my grand entrance, which was supposed to be one of the most important and beautiful moments of the day.

You ignored what I had done for everyone and especially for you, and kept saying I was fussy and demanding – not knowing that you yourself was actually the one who needed special treatments all the time even though it was not your day. Remember when you said it was too much workload for you and your husband to handle the 20 guests at the ceremony reception (you said it like I treated you like a slave), and then I rearranged Maggie, my MOH, to help you guys there too? She was supposed to be by my side, she should be helping me, but then she was helping you, and I was all alone in my room to get ready… I hope you did realise that. And remember when you kept saying it’s too dangerous to attend my wedding, and you’re worried that you wouldn’t be able to go home safe… how did I make arrangements to make sure you’re pleased? I reassured you that I’d call uber to drive you home, and when you even asked if I could provide accommodation, I offered to give you my hotel room (you were the only person who asked for that, not even my relatives from overseas would ask for that). Somehow because you worried about it so much, and your problems indeed became mine, and so I kept upgrading the arrangements for you. No matter how unreasonable your requests were, and no matter how many questions and problems you kept raising to me (while as bridesmaid you should be at least not creating problems), I fulfilled all your requests.

When I later told you that I was upset and hurt by what you said and did on my wedding, you said that they were all just throwaway remarks, and you even said I “scared” you because I was “too sensitive and got upset too easily” – like I was the problem here. But if it was a throwaway remark, you wouldn’t have said it three times with that criticising tone and attitude. Do you know how hurtful it was when I was accused of being inconsiderate and selfish when I had made so many thoughtful arrangements just for you? Everyone who was told about what happened said that they wouldn’t stay friends with you anymore if they were me. I know I was not too sensitive to feel hurt by what you did, even though you refused to admit being inappropriate by shifting all the blame to me. Go on saying that I’m too fussy and demanding, go on saying that I needed everything to go my way… then look at yourself, you’re actually the person you kept accusing me of.

RED FLAG #9: BEING BLATANTLY DISRESPECTFUL AND ENTITLED

Even though you’ve demanded so much, said those mean things to me and even ruined some of the precious moments at my wedding, I still thought I should feel grateful that you came when you’re so worried about safety, and with the fact that I missed yours to begin with (yes I still felt guilty after six years because you kept reminding me). And it was my idea to treat you all a nice dinner buffet to show gratitude. And I chose the expensive hotel near your new home since we’re also throwing a housewarming at your place. But on that day, you managed to mock and insult me four times in just a few hours’ time. You became relentless. You seized every opportunity. First, you brought it up once again that I missed your wedding and compared me with Maggie, saying that I was a worse friend. Then, all of a sudden you went into your bedroom, dug out my wedding flavor and your friend’s wedding invitation, both of which had the bride and groom’s portrait painting on them. You showed them side by side and flippantly said to me, “see, both are portrait paintings, why is yours so much uglier than my friend’s?”.

I didn’t know why you did that, but apparently you did that deliberately, and so very happily – you’re clearly taking pleasure in it. I was baffled and felt humiliated. But as always, I just played along and laughed it off, even though I was being laughed at. It’s because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, and so I kept the peace by swallowing my own. When confronted you said it was just a throwaway remark and that I was too petty and sensitive to be upset by that (though I’m pretty sure you’d be upset if someone did that to you…). Yes, when being seen separately, each of these was indeed a trivial matter, But what really matters was it’s your pattern, and the questions were “Why do you keep doing these things? What’s your intention?”

And you didn’t stop there. For the whole afternoon, you kept questioning whether you’d be able to sell your earrings at the Sunday Market near my home the week after, in which I offered half of my booth to you for free. In fact, you had been asking the same questions for two weeks, making it my responsibility to guarantee that you’d have a good sales. You complained that it was so heavy for you to bring all those earrings to the Market which was so far from where you lived, and if no one bought them, you’d have to carry them all back home and it’s just too much trouble for you. You said it as if it’s my fault to cause you the trouble, while it’s actually you who showed interest to sell at the Market at first and I didn’t force you to come. And actually you had nothing to lose even if you couldn’t sell any because you didn’t even have to pay rent for the booth. I felt so annoyed and didn’t want to answer your questions anymore, because I had answered you many times already. Then you suddenly said to my husband, “it’d be nice if you could pick us up and drive us to the Market on that day” – all the questioning and complaining somehow “made sense” then, you’re actually plotting to make this request. You were guilt-tripping us into doing what you wanted us to do for you.

It’s an utterly unreasonable thing for anyone to ask for. It’s very disrespectful and entitled for you to request that. We didn’t owe you that, even though you made it sound like we did. My husband is not your private driver. It’s very inconsiderate and disrespectful of you to request him to drive all the way from our home to yours in the early morning in order to drive you back to where we live, just because you thought we “lived too far” (come on, it’s at most an hour by bus, and you didn’t have to come if it’s so much trouble for you). But my husband, as a nice guy as he is, said yes without a second thought, not knowing that I’d need him to drive my two luggage of goods and deco (including display stands for your earrings) and a clothes rack, which was impossible for me to carry on my own and walk 15+ min to the Market. But I didn’t say anything at that moment to keep the peace, and I tried to convince myself that you’re only joking and so let’s forget what just happened and we’re all cool. But later that night after the dinner, you tried to reconfirm our “deal” by asking us what time you’d be picked up on that day. I was just speechless. You really meant it, and you still didn’t realise how inappropriate it was. Luckily, your husband stopped you (and saved us) by saying, “let’s talk about that later” and then we called it a night. I believed it’s also him who talked you out of this unreasonable idea of requesting your friends to serve you like we’re your servants.

And earlier during the dinner, you interrupted the conversation by suddenly commenting on my husband’s crow’s feet and compared him with your husband. You asked my husband while looked disgusted, “why do you have so many crow’s feet? You’re the same age as my husband, but he doesn’t have so many like you do. What happened to you?” A moment of awkward silence ensued, everyone felt embarrassed but you. And I again had to be the one who broke the ice by laughing it off, joking that my husband was born with those. Now I regret resolving situations for you over and over again because it’d only make you think that it’s ok for you to disrespect and laugh at us. I could have convinced myself that you’re just genuinely worried about my husband’s health because somehow you thought having crow’s feet and wrinkles at our 30s was like an abnormal disease?? But the way you had to compare my husband with yours to show that yours was better (like he’s better looking and aging better?) was again your same old pattern of one-upping me whenever you got the chance. And it’s the way you started to disrespect my husband, drag him into your endless comparison with me and countless mockery towards me that triggered me to confront you later on.

RED FLAG #10: CALLING ME SENSITIVE AND FRAGILE FOR REACTING TO YOUR DISRESPECT

If you think I’m a snowflake to get mad at you for these “trivial matters”, please note that similar things had happened so many times over 20+ years. If it only happened once or twice, I might not even remember. But when it kept happening, it showed that you had no respect for me whatsoever, and there’s a limit for tolerance. A hundred trivial matters will pile up to become a big issue. And ask yourself if I kept on talking you down, would you be okay with that? If I publicly commented and laughed at your husband’s receding hairline and how he combed his hair from the back to hide his half-bald head, would you be okay with that too? But you know what, I even refrained from mentioning the word “hair” in front of your husband because I knew he might be sensitive about it. I’m not interested in placing someone’s flaws in the limelight like you do. And that’s called empathy, which you don’t have. People are already aware of their own defects, and they don’t need you to remind them publicly time after time. It’s either you’re completely immature, insensitive and unempathetic, or you did all that on purpose and you took pleasure in it.

When you said one mean or hurtful thing to me for the first time, I always forgave you; when you said the same thing the second and the third time, I still excused you; but the 10th, 20th… times? And then I was too “sensitive” and “fragile” to tell you that it hurt? Are you freaking kidding me? Remember, the first thing I said when I confronted you was actually admitting being a sensitive person. I said that to make you feel better by taking half the blame – an almost apologetic gesture to give you an out and the benefit of the doubts, hoping you could meet me half way and sort things out with me. But what you did was shifting ALL the blame – you took what I said as a weapon against and blamed it ALL on my sensitivity.

And later even in your “apology” (which came way too late) – the most fake and insincere one I’ve ever heard in my life – you still lied so much and passive aggressively blamed everything on “my fragility”. I didn’t expose your lies because I knew it wouldn’t lead us anywhere, and because I didn’t want to hurt (truth hurts) a new mum who’s been whining about how badly she’s suffering, how she’s being abused and mistreated by the post-natal helper that she hired (but somehow didn’t fired), and how she was having suicidal thoughts… I couldn’t tell how much of what you said was real anymore, and how much was just exaggeration and lies to hoover for attention.

• Your fake “apology”…
  • (1) Starting your “apology” with a statement like that was like saying, “sorry, but I’m not sorry, it’s just you being too fragile“;
  • (2) That wasn’t a reason for you to be so rude to me when I first talked to you. If like you said you’re so eager to find a friend, you should have felt so happy when I talked to you, instead of rejecting me like I was trying to steal from you… Admit it, you’re a mean person and that’s why no one wanted to be your friend;
  • (3) No, you didn’t react badly to my invitation, and so I wasn’t mad at you for your “reaction” or for not thanking me. I didn’t need you to thank me for inviting you, if any, I needed to thank you for accepting my invitation instead. I don’t know how you came up with all that. What happened was you whined endlessly about your bad bridesmaid experience, not knowing later that evening I’d announce my wedding news and invite you to be my bridesmaid. I knew you’re completely mortified, but I kept telling you it’s okay because I only thought the coincidence was funny. And I secretly felt lucky that I heard your honest feeling about your previous bad experience so that I knew what to avoid when asking you to be my bridesmaid, so that you wouldn’t get upset at me and complain about my wedding too (sadly, you still did);
  • (4) First, I wasn’t mad at you at all for this incident, I only took this as an example because I was trying to use the smallest incident and the mildest way possible to tell you that you’re rude and insensitive. I regret my choice now because then you grabbed onto this to accuse me of being petty and fragile to hold a grudge on such small matter… And second, YOU LIED. This incident didn’t happen in H Cube, it happened in Gold Coast, and your husband was there sitting right next to you when you said those rude things to me. You made the whole thing up, and you created a version of “reality” where you could deny your fault by shifting the blame to your husband, and then your lies became your truth – which you believed in so much that you thought it won’t be challenged when said to someone who actually remembers what really happened. And somehow you thought it’s easier for you to make stories up than to just admit your fault.
  • (5) No, that didn’t happen neither. You never whined about feeling tired on that day, nor did you look tired at all – you looked and acted perfectly normal that day. And I was never upset of you for being “not professional” (WTF? Attending a friend’s wedding was not a job! I never used words like this, please don’t put your words in my mouth!). Honestly I didn’t pay attention to you because I was too busy helping Maggie with my husband (they’re the only people I cared about), and to be honest I didn’t give a damn about what you did anymore. Maggie’s wedding happened after our confrontation and I had already decided that I wouldn’t stay friends with you because of how you lied and shifted blames. I only pretended like we’re still cool because it was Maggie’s wedding. I didn’t care if you came or not (I actually wished you didn’t), but I asked only because I thought you should at least give Maggie a proper reply (because when you didn’t say you’re not coming, Maggie thought you’re). But then you thought I forced you to come and to do all the work?? I already knew I couldn’t really ask you nor entrust you to do anything after my wedding, why on earth would I still have expectation on you so much so that I’d get mad at you? You’re not that important. Please stop gaslighting me into thinking I did what I didn’t, and please stop using your pregnancy/childbirth as your shield.

I wish I had responded to your fake apology with the above answers. Now I regret that I still chose to walk on eggshells around you and refrained from speaking the truth. But I know even if I had exposed your lies, it would still change nothing because you’d just use more lies to cover lies… You can be you and you don’t have to change, if you think this is already the best version you want yourself to be, or if you honestly believe that you’re too good and too right to change. But you can’t ask me to go on accepting these behaviours of yours, even after I told you that I was not okay with them anymore. All I asked for was basic respect, but you refused to reflect on just how insensitive and unempathetic you are. Funny enough, you in return asked me to change – to be less sensitive, to grow a thicker skin, and even ask me to seek mental help (because I was crazy?) – so that I wouldn’t get hurt by you so easily because it’s all my problems and you’ve done nothing wrong.

That’s just not my idea of a healthy, balanced friendship. Your problems are not my responsibility, not anymore. We’re not compatible as friends – I said it 25 years ago and I don’t know what took me so long to finally believe in myself and value my own feelings and my own voice. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t give you what you ask for or what you think you deserve. But I’m sure there are people who can, who see a different version of you that most people can’t, and I wish you luck on that.